I am aware that on my last update i wrote that this page would only consist of pictures. but there is another topic i think anyone who reads this should know. depression, eating disorders, and self mutilation are on the increase in australia. we have the highest rate of depression and suicide in teenages in the world.

I, myself am suffering from depression and self mutilation. this will be like a diary, without the dates. an explination from my point of view.

SELF MUTILATION:

self mutilation, self hurt, and self harm. no matter which way you name it, it's still effecing 4 out of every 10 teenagers. it may be hard to notice. but it does happen. alot of parents live in a world where "it couldnt happen to their children." self mutilation can come in many forms. some include: cutting burning biting scratching pinching and stabbing.

My "Case"

For a couple of months now i have been suffering, (performing, inflicting, which ever way you wish to see it) self mutilation. i cut and burn myself. at last count, whilst typing this, i have got 24 burns and 3 cuts. all of which are going to scar. my parents dont understand what i am going through. some days i feel that they dont want to understand. my friends want to help me, but i cant find the guts to tell them how bad i feel. depression is taking over my life. people noticed it after a while. i dont leave the house unless i am made to. i say no to social events. i hardly talk. i am getting a lower self confidence. Because my problems are mental, i can not just stop them. I understand it will take time. However some of my friends do not understand it. They give me choices that i can not make. Thy dont know how hard things are for me to deal with. I have lost, and probebly will be losing for a long time, alot of friends because they couldnt handle my problem. Which makes me think......... 'if they cant handle it, how can I?'

GETTING HELP

Getting help was one of the hardest things for me. To me it was like hard mostly because i was admitting there was a problem. i knew that there was something wrong, it was obvious, but it was hard to admitt. At school i found it hard to constantly hide my cuts and burns, the temperature made it hard to wear a jumper outside. some people knew what they were from, there werent many people that i could talk to about it, but my close friends figured it out. One of my teachers noticed during a lesson where my friend had made a scene. The teacher tried to talk with me on the matter, but ended up refering me to someone who could get me into counselling. However i had to refer myself to a counsellor, it could not be done for me.I sat in the room trying not to cry. If you were ever in my possition, the realisation is too much to handle. To have the thought in my mind that there was a problem was hard enough to take, but actually hearing myself say it made me breakdown

Me Now.

I have now been seeing a counsellor for over 4 months. I have realised the fact that my friends contributed alot to the way i felt. i took away a friendship that was causing me to think wrong thoughts. At the moment i have what i class as a good life. I have a great Boyfriend, Great Friends that treat me nice and are caring. My mind thinks alot more happier now than i think it ever had. And i smile.... Alot. I never make myself out to be Cured. My biggest achievement has been 4 Weeks and 4 Days without harming in any way. My life completely fell apart, and i am rebuilding it more and more. Sometimes i think that this time it will be stronger than ever.

The Wall Technique

The wall technique was, what i think, one of the biggest factors in my :"recovery". Without it i dont think i would have made it this far. The wall is something we build inside ourself, and when there is something that scares us, or that we dont want to face we can hide within it. it's a world inside our minds. Alot of people may see this as a bad thing, saying that we are not facing our fears but hiding from them. This is correct for some. However my wall was something that stopped my fears from hurting me. I hid from them, I hid as far away as i could, then i got used to them, and went closer to the wall. This all may seem weird to you people reading this, but it worked for me. I still have my wall, and i dont intend on leaving it, or knocking it down. However i have built a Gate, and am not letting people inside it. and i can now see the outside world.

Last update: July 18, 2002